Happy Valentine’s Day from a dorm in the frozen tundra of Canada!
Okay. I overstated. I am living on a Navy Base (which is just like a dorm) just outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia and although it’s not the tundra, it feels like it when the wind blows a balmy 10 degrees Fahrenheit in my face.
This past Wednesday I had a moment (or like 20 moments) of my heart beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. Yep, I had the straight-up “oh shit” moment.
It came when we played our first intersquad game. It was the first three innings I have pitched since 2016.
And I wasn’t facing duds either. I was facing some of the best hitters in the world.
You could say I was standing way outside my comfort zone – by like 100 miles, and then some.
Who would have thought, two years ago, that I would be trying to make an Olympic Team?
I can tell you that I would have never guessed it.
Neither would have my husband.
Two years ago, I was nearing my lowest of lows. I was struggling to just get up in the morning. I was struggling to laugh or find joy in life.
I was struggling to be myself – and to best honest, I didn’t even know who “myself’ was anymore.
That may sound drastic, but if you were living in my house, you’d know it was true.
Yet there I was. Wednesday, February 12th, 2020 and I was standing on the field, with a ball in my hand, pitching to some of the best hitters in the World.
So how in the hell did I get there?
Well, first, I had to identify that I needed help. And you probably know how hard that actually is. Identifying a “problem” means you actually don’t have it all together, and that is really hard to admit.
From there, it stemmed even further. Once I admitted I needed help, I was scared to get it because I was afraid the help wouldn’t work. If I tried to get help, and it failed, that would have confirmed I was, in fact, broken.
It was a vicious cycle that seemed to never end.
After I finally relented and I let my husband help me, and after six years, I finally got my “help.”
I saw a therapist.
I got my bloodwork done and realized I was off in a few different blood markers and worked to get that straightened out.
Those were my first two steps. Once I started feeling better and had the energy, I started working out again.
I then started reading.
I started journaling.
I worked really hard to set myself up for success. I planned my days. My weeks. I set out my clothes to workout. I woke up earlier.
I worked my ass off to get back to my old (new) self.
It wasn’t easy. I had a lot of bumps in the roads. I had more ups and downs and learned to lean on those that love me. I learned how to be honest with how I felt to myself and to my family.
I learned I didn’t need to go on alone even when I felt so lonely.
And then boom. All of a sudden, it was 2020 and I had taken such good care of myself that I was able to say yes to this crazy rare softball opportunity.
My takeaway? Care for yourself as you would care for those that you love. It’s so easy to just say “I’m fine” and never fully love yourself or care enough to make big changes.
So tell me, what are you doing today, that is going to help your future self?